


Phobia

by recurringdreams



Series: Symbiosis [6]
Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Claustrophobia, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Phobias, Spiders, heights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 09:52:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4602273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/recurringdreams/pseuds/recurringdreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mum once told me - when I was young and giggling at dad's fear of the dentist - that everybody is scared of something. That showing our fears says a lot about our relationships, and the people we trust not to laugh when faced with our tears. It breaks my heart that dad never was scared of the dentist again.</p><p>*</p><p>Musings on the things that make us scared.<br/>Ninety-percent fluff, ten percent scary situations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phobia

Mum once told me - when I was young and giggling at dad's fear of the dentist - that everybody is scared of something. That showing our fears says a lot about our relationships, and the people we trust not to laugh when faced with our tears. It breaks my heart that dad never was scared of the dentist again.

 

*

The former had come in the garden at my parents place. They had vacated it for the weekend, making the decision to go away to the south of France for a few days, and we had offered to house sit, looking first for a weekend alone, and second for the opportunity for Kitty to meet them on their return. We were looking forward to being alone, most of all, without the prying eyes of the media, who were _very_ interested in who I was seeing at the moment, and the Internet, too. Kitty had a habit of looking me up online to see what the tabloids had to say, and some of the comments the rags had made recently had been less than kind to her. In essence, this was me apologising to her by throwing her into a slightly more frightening situation, _meeting my_ parents, but I had forty-eight hours to work through that, so I had been sure it would work.

On the Saturday afternoon, we had decided that we would walk the length of the property after lunch, attempting to work off the doorstop-sized ploughman's lunch that Kitty had put together with the food in mum's pantry. Both of us felt a little bloated, and Kitty kept stretching up and back to try and open herself up a little. Every time she did I had a fantastic view of her breasts and it was all I could do not to grab her and cop a feel. When I helped her over the stile between the back garden and the orchard, however, I couldn't help it. My hands pressed up against her chest as I lifted her easily and gave her a gentle squeeze, fingers tightening on the soft cups of her bra as she gave a near indecent moan. My lips covered hers quickly, and I leaned in to taste her, moaning just a little as her hands came to my hair. Quickly, my hand still tucked up into her shirt, I steered her toward the small, covered bench that sat under one of the trees, secluded in the shade but old enough to have flaky paint and cobwebs on the corners. I pressed her into the wood gently, stroking my fingers along her cheek as she hummed against my lips and hooked one leg around my hips, smiling against my mouth as I rocked my hips against her and tried to prop myself up a little more solidly. She squirmed a little on the bench and patted my arm, huffing just a little as she pulled back and pouted.

"Baby!" She squirmed again, "stop tickling my leg!"

"I'm not!" I returned quickly, leaning down to kiss her again. Her fingers came up to push me away again, and she tried to sit up, catching sight of her leg over my shoulder and going perfectly still. Her eyes opened wide and she whimpered softly, her hands starting to shake at my shoulder.

"Ben-"

"What is it, baby?" I turned to look over one shoulder and frowned as I looked down at her legs. Her breathing was picking up in my ears and I could feel her panicking underneath me, stiffening and shaking as I watched the creature pick its way slowly over her shin. "Oh love, it's just a spider." I chuckled, going to move and pick it up. It wasn’t going to hurt her, it was just a garden bug.

"D-don't... What if it runs?" She breathed, staring at the (fairly formidable, I'll admit) creature as it crawled a little further up her knee. Her breathing picked up further and she started to whimper, as I moved off her body and cupped the beast in both hands, stepping back and releasing it into one of the bushes set far, far away from my girl.

When I turned back, she had stepped away from the bench, all trace of the romantic mood gone, and was slapping at her legs like there were bugs crawling all over her. My heart went out to her, and the way that she had so carefully hidden this fear from me. I had seen her come out of the shower, clutching a towel close and tasking me with throwing a spider out of the window, or asking me to deal with the spider that crawled along the wall, but I had never seen her like this. She had tears streaking her face, and was visibly shaking as I wrapped my arms around her.

"Hey, hey, you're ok, beautiful." I whispered softly, kissing her temple as I caught her wrist to stop her slapping her skin again. "No more. There's nothing there. I've got you."

"Thank you," she whispered, then, "it was fucking _on_ me."

"I know." I pressed another kiss to her skin. "Focus on me, ok? I'll get you back to the house and we can get the memory of it off you."

"Yeah?" She looked up at me, almost wistfully.

"Baby, I will sit you on the counter and I will wash your legs with a flannel. Not a trace of that bugger shall remain." If she was that afraid, I could definitely see my way to helping her out like this. Her fingers tightened on my arms and she hugged me tightly, sighing softly as she took my hand again.

"You're far too nice to me." Her breathing was evening out now, with nothing further to scare her, and I smiled as I started to head back to the house. It was only a half mile, not a drastic distance, but I knew I had to keep her mind off the incident that had occurred.

"I'm not nice," I murmured, pulling her closer as my arm slipped around her waist and I gave her hip a squeeze, "I'm a dirty older man, come to whisk you off your feet..."

"Oh, Ben!" She wrapped her arms around me again, clutching me tightly. "I'll let you be as dirty as you want, if you'll get rid of those spiders for me."

"Always, my love." I kissed her temple gently, and she turned her eyes up to mine.

"I love you." I couldn't help but smile. "Thanks for not taking the piss."

"Anytime, love." I kissed her forehead this time, smiling as I drew away and touched her cheek, "Everybody's scared of something.”

 

*

 

The claustrophobia thing happened a little later. We were at BAFTA, six weeks after our relationship had first been revealed to the public, and we were still trying to navigate getting into and out of places without drawing the attention of fans or paparazzi where they could be avoided. We had decided to take a supply lift down to the car park after a screening that I had attended, and that Kitty had joined my parents in seeing. Though I had been sat at the opposite end of the room to them, I could physically feel Kitty in the other corner, watching intently. When I was interviewed as part of the end of the showing, I was drawn back to looking at her, eyeing her as she leaned forward, made a show of concentrating, and giving me looks of confidence as I started to worry I was waffling. I had slipped out of the auditorium once the room had begun to empty, and Kitty and my parents had joined me in the upstairs bar as soon as they had made their way out. The supply lift had been the natural progression as we made our way out to the car, as fans had been hanging around in the foyer for a long time, and the crowds were only growing as the next group of people began to mass for whatever was being shown later on.

"We'll take the back exit," I murmured into Kitty's ear as she peered out over the crowds of people. "Much less harassment." She grinned as I spoke and I kissed her temple as I stepped back with her, intent on freshening up a drink for her before we headed out. She took my hand quickly, squeezing it as I slipped her glass from the other hand and called for a bottle of cranberry juice that she could take with her, countering the sharpness of her gin and tonic.

"I love you," she whispered, as she threw a note down on the bar before I could pay. She quickly reached up to adjust my tie as the barman took the money, leaving me floundering as I looked down at her.

"Cheeky! You did that just so I didn't pay."

"I'm not worth you spending money on." She countered, a playful look in her eyes.

"Listen, little miss," I said, mock anger on my face, "You wait till I get you back to my place!"

"Hmm, going to punish me?" She murmured the magic words into my ear, and it was all I could do not to drag her bodily into the lift as my parents said they'd grab their checked coats and meet us at the car.

With my hands at her hips, I pushed the _P_ button on the lift panel that would take us down the four floors to the underground parking, and I hummed softly as her fingers wound into my hair, drawing me down into a kiss that had been brewing since the rush of coming offstage had combined with the rush of seeing the woman who had convinced me to get out of bed that morning smiling at me. My heart raced and I pulled her closer as the lift came to a jolting halt. We broke apart, arms still around one another as we turned expectantly and waited for the doors to open. They made a horrendous grinding noise and half-opened onto a black hole of wiring. Immediately, Kitty looked to me, puzzled, and stepped away from the button panel as it gave a shrill buzz.

"Hello?" I leaned into the intercom and waited for an answer.

"Hello," a sharp voice came through on the other end, "terribly sorry, we've had a small fuse problem. We've got to get someone down the shaft to trip it," I held in my laugh as he said _down the shaft,_ "So it'll be a good fifteen or twenty minutes..."

I felt Kitty go stiff before she made the soft whimpering noise that made me turn around. I thanked the guy on the intercom and looked over to her, biting my lip as I noted her genuine expression of fear. Her eyes were flickering left and right and her tongue came to wet her lips again and again.

"Twenty minutes?" She breathed softly, biting her lip as her eyes met mine. "I thought it would only be a minute." Her breathing shallower as the light flickered and she swallowed loudly as I reached out and gently brushed my fingers over her cheek.

"You're alright, beautiful." I murmured, gently brushing my fingers up to curve over the shell of her ear, "we're fine. I promise."

She nodded but didn't look entirely convinced as her hand curled around mine and she swallowed nervously, tugging on my shirtsleeve to draw me closer. Her eyes were darting around every corner of the place, and she was trying to make herself small. _Was she worried about the oxygen levels?_

"Sorry. I'm being silly."

"Nope. You're scared." I whispered, gently stroking my hand up her forearm. "Come on, pretty girl, let's sit down." We balled up our jackets and put them on the floor, and I slowly guided Kitty down to the floor, pressing a kiss to her head as we cuddled up together in the corner. "Is that better?" She nodded and tucked her head into my shoulder, her fingers gently brushing up and down my thigh. There was nothing sexual in this, not when her hands were trembling, but instead she was gentle, almost tickling as my hand covered hers and her fingers laced with mine. We didn't speak, but every time she tensed, I would turn her hand over and talk to her about _anything_ , with the simple intention of distracting her. We covered the first game of cricket I had attended, the last time she had dyed her hair, tattoos… _anything at all._ Her eyes stayed closed, but her face turned toward mine as I dropped kisses on her forehead every time a crisis was averted.

Almost half an hour later, the lift had jolted back into life and Kitty had squealed in fright and sudden surprise as she leapt into my lap.

"Didn't expect that?" I chuckled, wrapping my arms around her and gently rubbing my hand over her back as she shuddered and nodded. "Want a hand getting back onto your feet?"

"Please." She murmured, and I lifted her from the floor, feeling her heart fluttering like an overexcited spaniel. Her lips parted and she panted softly, gripping at my hand like a vice. My fingers squeezed back and she offered me a smile, though her eyes were watery and her knees knocked just a little in her jeans.

I curled my arm around her tighter and gently kissed her forehead, watching her as she found her legs again. She swallowed and smiled at me wider now, biting her lip as she brushed her hair from her eyes, dropping her gaze back to the floor.

"Hey, pretty lady?” She glanced up at me, hesitant again, “Promise I won't tell anyone." I whispered, the doors opening to a small group of fans politely lined up outside the lift. "Shall I sign or do you want to get home?" I sort of hoped for the latter, but knew she would say the former. Everything Kitty did was with consideration for my fans, and sometimes it frustrated me when she wouldn’t put her own emotions first. Today, my fingers itched to touch her body, to make sure that she was ok, but she smiled and inclined her head quietly.

"Sign for them, love, it's ok." She squeezed my hand again and let go, tiptoeing to whisper into my ear. "I'll be waiting with your parents. I love you."

On shaky legs, she offered a smile to the girls stood in front of us and inclined her head, straightening her spine and hiding the fact that her fear had taken the wind from her sails. As I took a quick couple of selfies with the ladies surrounding me, I glanced back over at her and saw her smiling with my parents. My heart lifted as my mother took her hand and gently rubbed her arm, comforting as Kitty ran a hand over her face and smiled.

 _I'm OK,_ I saw her say. And I knew she would be. I would protect her with my life.

 

*

 

 _And then she found out about my fear of heights._ I thought I’d been pretty good about hiding it, to be honest, keeping away from the windows on planes, keeping my eyes on the door of our hotel rooms, not the view… and yet, it was unavoidable, I supposed. One day she was going to find out, and unfortunately… well, unfortunately, it was also the most embarrassing way I could have revealed it. I may or may not have screeched like a banshee.

Ezra, a photographer friend I’d worked with a few times, had been brought on for a shoot for the Times Magazine, and I was very happy to defer to his judgement as to the tone of the images, trying to meet the article halfway in its desire for serious and exciting. With my marriage to Kitty just around the corner – planned for winter, so that we could hurry away to the middle of nowhere for our honeymoon – I was just happy to be working, getting ready for a new start with the woman I adored. We were working up the Blackpool tower, of all places, because the aesthetic up there – _windblown and barely audible –_ fit right in. I admitted immediately that it was a place I had never been – as a child we had holidayed in the south, at Southend, Bournemouth, Eastbourne and down in Cornwall, as well as getting away on the continent – and that knowing that the top of the tower was famed for its views was something that intrigued me. It had been decided that we’d go during the day, amid the off-season, and in the middle of the night.

The night shoot suited me fine, lights, camera, action and _wham, bam, done,_ looking left and right and seeing the city lights just left and right of me was great. It was coming back during the day that killed me.

I hadn’t realised that the floor was glass too. Clear glass that meant you could see every, single inch of the drop, 500 feet to the floor. There were people, all the way down there, and I would crush them if the glass broke under my feet. _The glass could break under my fucking feet._ My stomach had rolled and I had had to reach out for the hand rail as I took a glance down. _Oh, shit._ Down… down was not a pretty sight. It was certainly not a good idea. I felt awful, my head reeling, and as I drew my hand away from the rail to bring it to my forehead I realised that I was shaking.

Whatever had come over me, was definitely not good. Taking slow breaths, I staggered backwards and caught hold of the rail again, leaning heavily against a doorway.

“Damn, Ben, you look terrible.” Ezra tilted my head up gently, looking at me from every angle as he studied my expression and the pallor I had taken on. “You should get home. We’ll wrap up a shoot somewhere closer to London next week.” He released my cheeks and gently patted my arm, “Did you eat something dodgy? I told you not to eat those cockles.”

“No, no, I didn’t… I…” I glanced out at the view again and felt a rush of terror join the roll of nausea up my spine.

_This was a fucking terrible time to get vertigo._

Ezra put me on a train back to London with a set of sick bags and the promise that his people would call my people and everything would be sorted. I felt awful the entire journey, very aware of every tilt and curve the train went on, and calling Kitty to pick me up from the station when I had looked down the escalators at London Bridge and seen how high I was really travelling. _Thank god for underground Wi-Fi._

She had picked up the tone of my voice and brought a bottle of water along with her in the car. Her hands were covered in paint and her jeans were spattered with a light green that we had decided would give our combined library a very pretty spring look. Even being in her presence was calming, and her smile as she gave my hand a gentle squeeze was the most reassuring thing in the world.

“Ez’ called. Told me you nearly collapsed.” Her smile wavered a little and she gently curled her fingers into mine, before releasing my hand and flicking the car into drive, “Are you feeling any better? Do you know what it was? Dodgy hotel food, or something I suppose…” She trailed off, meeting my eyes in the mirror and smiling again.

“Not especially.” I hesitated, wanting to tell her that I knew what had happened, but not wanting to admit it as a weakness. “I think I just had a terrible day.”

“Well, it’s a pain when things get on top of you, it’s true.” Her smile came back again, “But that’s no reason to play hooky from work, Mr C. even if it is because you wanna help me paint the ceiling.”

At the mention of ceiling, I paled, and felt my pulse start to rush once more.

“Baby?” Kitty’s voice called out softly over the beat of my pulse in my ears and I turned my head slowly to meet her. “Do you need me to pull over?”

I shook my head, desperate now to get home. I had to explain everything, but I worried that she would laugh at me if I did.

When she had pulled up in the driveway and jumped out, happily grabbing my bag from the boot and following me through into the house, I turned to the kitchen and settled down on one of the stools at the counter, grabbing a glass of water and taking a few slow breaths, determined to calm myself down a little way before I came out with it. A few minutes later, gentle hands came to take mine, and move the glass from my grip, so that I could take a hold of her hands and squeeze.

“You need to tell me what’s going on, Baby. I need to know…” she swallowed and gently let my fingers go, fingers lightly touching the curve of my cheeks, concern etched all over her face. “What happened?”

“It’s a five hundred feet drop from the top of Blackpool tower to the street below. Did you know it’s got glass floors?”

“Love?” Her face contorted, confused and I let out another little whimper as she gently stroked her finger up and down my cheek. “Are you trying to tell me you get vertigo?”

“Uh-huh.” I mumbled, feeling my face go red. “I’ve never been this bad before-”

“Was that why you didn’t want to go on the London Eye?”

I nodded again, feeling the flush make a permanent home on my cheekbones as I gripped gently at her hand. I shut my eyes, embarrassed now, and waited for her to laugh.

“Oh my darling!” Her arms came around my shoulders and she hugged me close to her chest. I could smell paint and laundry on her clothes, and my skin tingled as she squeezed me tighter. “How long have you…”

“A while.” My voice was small, childlike as I held onto her, my arms around her waist, head nestled between her breasts as she gently stroked my hair. I felt so weak in her arms admitting that it was such a simple thing that scared me.

She didn’t say anything, just kept stroking through my hair as I looked up at her, meeting her eyes as she gave me the smallest smile.

“I get it.” She murmured softly, kissing my forehead ever so gently.

“It’s so stupid-”

“No, no it’s not.” She stroked her fingers through my hair again, pinging one of my curls gently behind my ear, “You told me something once. Something incredibly important.”

“What’s that?” I frowned.

“Everybody’s scared of something.” She smiled and brushed her fingers over my cheek now, blush high under my skin. “I’m just blessed that you’re confiding in me.” 


End file.
